mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
