Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize