I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
im about as happy as oj after his trial
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Randomize
