Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
