Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize