I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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