i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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