He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
