after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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