Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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