Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Blood and glitter go together right?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
