some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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