an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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