Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
