it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
