she woke up with a sticky ear
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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