So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
