I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
