Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
