If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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