She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
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