Can Purell be used as lube?
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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