The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
