apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
