I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize