Define "chronic" masturbator.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
