i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
