Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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