I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
