New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
