Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
