I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I intend to get homeless drunk
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Randomize
