i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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