I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
