During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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