so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
