Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
