I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Mom said you looked used
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
