i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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