Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
