You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
