you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
