Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
