If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
How does it feel to date your dad?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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