Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
did you just send me my own nude
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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