My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
