Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
