The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize