I showed him my bush... on skype.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize