I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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