So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I have peed in a lot of sinks
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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