why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize