these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
