I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize