Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize