Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
