Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize