Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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