apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
