mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
