all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
