no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
We need to get me chipped asap
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
