i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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